Funeral Etiquette
FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
Even
though common sense and good discretion are always the best guides to
proper funeral etiquette, a few principles still apply.
It is a
common gesture for close friends of the bereaving family to visit the
family's home to offer sympathy and assistance - this is sometimes
referred to as a condolence visit. With the bereaving family having to
ensure that all the arrangements are looked after, a close friend(s)
may become very helpful with food preparation and childcare. The visit
can take place any time within the first few weeks of death, and may be
followed with one or more additional visits, depending on the
circumstances and your relationship with the family.
In addition
to expressing sympathy it is appropriate, if desired, to relate to
family members your fond memories of the deceased. In some cases family
members may simply want you to be a good listener to their expressions
of grief or memories of the deceased. In most circumstances it is not
appropriate to inquire as to the cause of death.
If you attend a
wake you should approach the family and express your sympathy. As with
the condolence visit it is appropriate to relate your memories of the
deceased. If you were only acquainted with the deceased (and not the
family) you should introduce yourself.
It is customary to show
your respects by viewing the deceased if the body is present and the
casket is open. You may wish to say a silent prayer for, or meditate
about, the deceased at this time. In some cases the family may escort
you to the casket.
The length of your visit at the wake is a
matter of discretion. After visiting with the family and viewing the
deceased you can visit with others in attendance. Normally there is a
register for visitors to sign.
As with other aspects of modern
day society funeral dress codes have relaxed somewhat. Black dress is
no longer required. Instead subdued or darker hues should be selected,
the more conservative the better. After the funeral the family often
receives invited visitors to their home for pleasant conversation and
refreshments.
You can send flowers to the funeral home prior to
the funeral, or to the family residence at any time. In some cases
flowers may also be sent to Protestant churches. (Flowers generally are
not sent to Jewish synagogues and Catholic churches.) Florists know
what is appropriate to send in the funeral context.
Gifts in
memory of the deceased are often made, particularly when the family has
requested gifts in lieu of flowers. The family is notified of the gifts
by personal note from the donor or through the donee, if the donee is a
charity or other organization. In the latter case the donor provides
the family's name and address to the charity at the time the gift is
made.
Even if you don't make a gift, a note or card to the
deceased's family expressing your thoughts of the deceased is a welcome
gesture, especially if you weren't able to attend the funeral.
FUNERAL ETIQUETTE THE FUNERAL SERVICE PRIVATE SERVICE MEMORIAL SERVICE
PALLBEARERS
Friends,
relatives, church members or business associates may be asked to serve
as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers if
requested to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS EULOGY DRESS FUNERAL PROCESSION / CORTEGE CONDOLENCES FLOWERS MASS CARDS MEMORIAL DONATIONS SYMPATHY CARDS PERSONAL NOTE TELEPHONE CALL VISITATION SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer
their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly
approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social
activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of
visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the
times when special services such as lodge services or prayer services
may be held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during
suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the
family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the
register book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John
Doe". If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their
affiliation, as the family may not be familiar with their relationship
to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgment on how
long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If
they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay.
When
the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in
dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are
still there. Keep in touch.
- "I'm sorry."
- "My sympathy to you."
- "It was good to know John."
- "John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
- "My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The family should acknowledge the flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgment cards that can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:
- "Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely.
- "The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.
CHILDREN AT FUNERALS
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.GRIEF RECOVERY
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.
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